Well, I’m taking a break from tinder. Or if you prefer, I’m swiping left on Tinder for now. The more I’m on that god-forsaken app, the more apparent my ambient sense of existential dread becomes. I have found myself progressively accepting the sentiment, “Hey, I sure am fucked” with every swipe.
So, since I think it’s funny and because I fit the bill on more points than I care to admit on Debatably Dateable’s post 20 Funny Reasons You Can Swipe Left and feel the need to repair my deflated ego, here are 10 reasons you might get swiped left on.
1. Every one of your photos is a group photo.
I get that your sorority is really cool to you, but I find it really hard to believe that you sincerely think that the internet wants to see six identical photos of you and your girls holding Vegas Bombs and sticking out your tongues. I’m not even that bothered that I don’t know which one is you, frankly, and I’m definitely not going to spend an hour Sherlocking it.
2. You say that you “like to have fun.”
No dip, you wet piece of toast! I think we all understand that it’s a given that you like fun. Let me guess, you breath and can quote The Office as well, Bethany? This fills me with a vastly disproportionate rage for reasons I can’t even begin to explain. Whoof, does anyone else already need a glass of water?
3. Something dead is in any of your photos.
Don’t get me wrong, dead things can be cool, and maybe I’m alone in feeling a bit uncomfortable with seeing your latest kill. I once came across a picture of a girl standing over a dead buck. Scarlet fluid covered her face, and she felt the need to take a macro shot of her serial killer lookin’ mug and say “Yes, that is real blood.” After being married to a sociopath, I don’t want to take any chances… I see the way you are looking at that large mouth bass.
4. You are self described as hilarious.
Never in the history of comedy has anyone who unironically described themselves as “hilarious” actually been hilarious. Humor doesn’t seem to be something that I should just take your word for. By being so lazy in your attempts to convince some horny, internet boys that you are humorous, you have betrayed the fact that you are, again, a wet piece of toast, Bethany.
5. You say that Tinder has your age wrong.
So, not only are you too dense to put in your correct birthday, but now even talking to you seems like I’m playing Russian roulette while the Feds hold the gun. Nah. I’m out. I thought we had a genuine connection, Bethany, but I already started suspecting something was off when you said your favorite video game was Club Penguin.
6. You say you aren’t looking for hookups, but the only pictures you have posted are you in your underwear.
I don’t care what the heck you wear or what you want out of Tinder. I just am a little weirded out when I have seen your entire vibrator collection and half of your lingerie without even knowing what kind of pizza toppings you like. Those playboy bunny pasties you got at Burning Man last year are pretty cool though… I guess? Sorry, I’m still hung up on the whole club penguin thing. Can you seriously consider that a video game? I’m not trying to be a gatekeeper or anything, but that feels a lot more like a social platform than anything.
7. All of your photos have a Snapchat filter on them.
What am I supposed to do with that? Yes, you look cute with the little bear nose and ears, but that shit distorts your face so much that you are barely recognizable anymore. This is almost as bad as point 1, because at least then I can try to make an assessment as to what you look like from checking to see if there are repeating persons from one photo to the next. With a filter on, you very well could be a 50 year old, garbage man from Brazil who is “here for a good time, not a long time.” Again, why you playing games, Bethany (other than Club Penguin)?
8. You ask for drugs.
Sorry, I don’t think much more needs to be said on the topic. Do I seriously look like the kind of person that knows where to get drugs? I barely know which aisle the cereal is in.
9. Your bio says that you are looking for a woman.
That just confuses me, honestly. No harm no foul, but it does worry me that you haven’t noticed that there are a suspiciously high volume of men on your Tinder. If this is some penguin related thing, I recommend opening with that. We just kind of want to know what we are getting ourselves into with a Tinder match. So, when you say “woman,” are you talking about a real woman or, like, the ones with beaks and feathers… that’s a penguin, Bethany. That’s just a penguin. How many times do we have to go over this?
10. You have a horse in any of your photos.
PTSD flashbacks aren’t a good first impression. Don’t worry. It’s not you; it’s me.
My apologies to all the Bethanys out there. I’m sure most of you are lovely folk.